Kids Awareness Series

Bullying at school is such a long standing problem, however schools and parents have become so much more proactive in the past several years to help solve this issue. If you as a parent think your child is being bullied, then ask your child. Most children will NOT tell parents this information because they are truly embarrassed or afraid to say anything. Adults should take the lead and ask their child about behaviors in their classroom not just about academics. If you suspect that your child is being bullied then here are very simple questions that you can ask your child.
“Do you have a bully in your classroom, a kid that is always mean to everyone?”
“Does the bully ever say anything to you?”
“How do you respond when the bully picks on you?”
“Who does the bully pick on most of the time?”
“How do you know that he/she is a bully?” “What exactly does he/she do that makes you think that?”

If your child tells you that they are being bullied, then by all means believe them. Ask for the details of what is happening and write them down so you have the correct information.
Without a doubt, the very last thing that a parent should do is confront the bully or the bully’s parents. This will not help your child and will most likely make things worse for your child. Also, do not blame your child for what has happened, bullying is never the victim’s fault and they did nothing to cause this.
What should be done is to contact your child’s teacher and request a meeting privately with him/her. Bring the written information with you and ask for your child’s teacher’s input about the bullying problem. Find out what the teacher plans on doing about the bullying problem in order to put a stop to it. Help your child develop assertiveness skills in order to be more bully resistant. As a parent, make a real effort to spend time with your child and encourage him/her to talk about how they feel and to develop their social skills. Confident children with good social skills are much less likely to be bullied than kids who are not assertive and struggle socially. Remember, as parents you are your child’s primary teacher.

Excerpt from The Bully Free Classroom, by Allan L. Beane, Ph.D.

Social phobia, which is also known as social anxiety disorder (SAD) is diagnosed with a child or teenager has a persistent fear of social situations, performing, and talking in front of other people. SAD is usually seen when your child or teen has a fear of being criticized or judged or when they are put in embarrassing situations with people that they are unfamiliar with. Social phobia affects one in every twenty-five children, and is diagnosed twice as often in girls than it is in boys. Teenagers are particularly occupied with how they compared and how they are viewed by their friends, and being self-conscious is relatively normal. SAD, however is diagnosed when the symptoms become extreme and interfere with your child or teens ability to function.

For a child/teen to be diagnosed with SAD the symptoms must last for a period of at least six months and this disorder is not simply when a child is experiencing some discomfort when they are put in any new situation. There is no one symptom that defines SAD, rather it a cluster of symptoms and when your child experiences a variety of symptoms.

Symptoms of SAD are:
Fearing scrutiny by others in social situations
Crying, throwing temper tantrums or anger episodes, or freezing when a child has to be a social situation
Avoiding the situations that cause the fear
Complaining of being sick in order to avoid having to go to school
Feeling like they are outside of the group or playing solitarily, or having few to no friends
Unwillingness to participate in group activities at school or on group projects, fear of raising their hand in class to avoid anyone looking at them, or being afraid to read in class

Four out of every ten children that have SAD refuse to attend school because of their anxiety. When your child/teen finally does go to school, they will most likely ask to go to the nurse’s office in order to avoid being in class and having to be around others or having to interact socially in a group. If your child has SAD, then they will most likely struggle with speaking up in class or asking the teacher for help and will have problems making friends. Social anxiety also causes physical symptoms in a child/teen and they will most likely blush or start sweating, experience dry mouth, feel nauseous, start trembling or shaking, and experience heart palpitations or dizziness.

Kids/teens that suffer with social anxiety when they are younger, are more likely to remain single in the future, attain less education, consider hurting themselves, have an erratic work history, abuse drugs or alcohol to deal with the anxiety, or have other psychiatric disorders. SAD is a disorder that requires psychiataric or psychological treatment. An effective treatment for SAD is Social Effectiveness Training that teaches children how to cope and effectively deal with social situations. This is a treatment that teaches children the necessary skills in order to handle any social situation in a competent manner, which in turn increases their self-confidence and self-esteem.

Adapted from The Everything Parent’s Guide to Children with Anxiety by Ilyne Sandas, M.A, and Christine Siegel, M.A. , 2008.

As parents many of us have significant difficulty in letting our children suffer the consequences of their actions. We feel obligated to bail them out of their troubles that they have actually created for themselves. Here is a good example of this:

Your child has a class project that is due and they tell you the night before that it is due tomorrow. You as the parent do not want your child to get a bad grade so you stay up half the night helping them work on the project. You of course ask your child, “how long have you known about this project?” Your child answers, “a few weeks now.” Of course all projects need supplies so you run to the store in the middle of the night to get paper, glue, and everything else that is needed for your child’s project as well.

In essence, what has happened here is that the parent has enabled the child to not be responsible for their actions and they bailed them out. A better scenario would have been for the parent to emphathize with their son/daughter that the project was due but make them stay up to do it. Yes, this may sound harsh, but think of it as more as “tough love.” The lesson that needs to be taught is for the child to look to the future and to know that their decision to do or not to do something is entirely up to them, however their choices result in consequences.

If a parent bails their child out of situations of which their are negative consequences, then the parent has taught their child to be irresponsible and a negative pattern of behavior for future actions/behaviors has developed. Of course, every child forgets things now and then, and you as a parent can help them, but if you notice that this occurs all the time, then it is time to let your child suffer the painful consequences of their actions. If you find it difficult to allow your child to suffer consequences, then be sure to find someone that can help you through your own resistance of enforcing rules/boundaries.

The question as a parent of a child with ADHD is often, “should I give my child medication or not?” Parents are often at odds with themself and with their spouse on the decision of whether or not to give their child medications because of the potential side effects. In addition, they often hear other parents saying negative things about the medications. As a therapist, what I often hear from parents is, “I don’t want anything that will make my child like a zombie.” To make the decision to medicate your child is often a difficult one and you and your doctor will have to consider many factors in making this important decision.
As a parent, if you decide to medicate your ADHD child then you need to monitor your child’s reactions to the medications and if their are adverse effects then the trial of medication should be stopped immediately.

Stimulant medications are the most popular medications used with children with ADHD, especially when your child’s inattention or impulsivity/hyperactivity is interfering with their school work or in their ability to get along with other children due to behavioral problems. Also to consider as a parent are alternative treatments such as individual counseling for your child as well as holistic treatments such as Attend, Focus or Omega 3 with Fish Oil, which are considered alternative treatments. Your child’s dietary intake should also be considered as well as if they are getting enough exercise. The food your child eats really does make a difference in their behaviors.

There is no way to predict which children will respond well to ADHD medications and which children will not, which is unfortunate because children often have to be tried on a number of treatments before something finally works for them. The most helpful criterion to date in predicting which children will respond to medications is the degree or severity of the child’s hyperactivity or inattention. The more severe these symptoms, the better a child will respond to the medications. However, a diagnosis of ADHD does NOT mean that a child should automatically receive ADHD medications. There are other things to consider before medications are used and these need to be discussed with your child’s doctor. For example, the age of the child should be considered, have other approaches been used, have all physical or developmental disorders been ruled out, can the medications be properly supervised by you as a parent, is the child’s behavior severe enough to warrant the use of medications, and lastly how does your child typically respond to medications.

If all of these things have been taken into account and have been discussed with your child’s doctor, then medication for ADHD can be considered. ADHD medications should never be used as a first resort but as a last resort when all other treatment approaches and factors have been looked at. If a parent makes the decision to medicate their ADHD child, then medications should be monitored regularly by their child’s physician. The decision to medicate your child is a difficult one and all factors need to be considered before making the choice to give your child ADHD medications.

One of the main symptoms that occurs when a teen or adult has a panic attack is hyperventilation. There are basically two kinds of hyperventilation-acute and chronic. Acute hyperventilation is when you start gasping for breaths of air when you are having a panic attack and chronic hyperventilation is much more subtle and occurs when someone is overbreathing. Up to 80 percent of those who hyperventilate tend to sigh and yawn frequently. In addition, they are usually mouth breathers. Breathing through the nose seems to take more effort especially for those who are panicky.
So what are the signs to look for to know whether you are hyperventilating:

frequent sighing, gasps, yawning, coughing, or clearing of the throat
breathing through the mouth
you are taking eighteen or more breaths a minute when you are relaxed
shortness of breath
giddiness
lightheadness
heart palpitations

Some other symptoms are:
tremors, chest pain, dry mouth, clammy hands, swallowing difficulty, sweating, weakness and fatigue, and numbness or tingling sensations.

Hyperventilation as seen in panic disorder is usually brought on as an emotional reaction to stress. However, hyperventilation can also occur as the result of poor breathing habits. Breathing retraining is highly recommended in order to bring the symptom of hyperventilation under control. Consult a mental health professional if breathing retraining or breathing exercises to promote relaxation are needed.

Our culture unfortunately already seems to encourage that boys/men act aggressively and show their power in a physical manner. Women are perceived as weak oftentimes and are easily preyed upon by abusers. Currently, our culture encourages women to act in a submissive manner and to accept male domination. Unfortunately, it is these very values that increase the likelihood that some men will become abusive to their wives and also their children.

Even in today’s times, society will often encourage girls no matter the extent of the abuse, to stay with their abusers. Society often expects men to use physical means to control their surroundings and this includes their wives/girlfriends and their children. With all this said, where does this leave the children who are witnessing these learned abusive behaviors in their home or are being abused themselves.

First and foremost, children that are in an abusive environment almost always suffer from low self-esteem. They often have cognitive or language delays, delays in their overall development, and stress-related problems. These kids are without a doubt the most stressed out children that are seen for psychological treatment. They either are very angry; belligerent and exhibit acting out behaviors or they are quiet; withdrawn and are willing to say very little out of fear of reprisal. These children often feel guilty for not stopping the abuse and younger children often do not understand the abuse and they take responsibility for the abuse occurring to their mother or to themselves.

Children that witness domestic violence seem to live in a constant state of extreme anxiety and their school work and their social relationships really suffer. The boys that witness this abuse often become abusers themselves and the girls are often battered in their own relationships as an adult. Because the old addage really applies here, you do what you know or what you are familiar with. These children struggle in school and problems academically due to lack of concentration and frequent absences from school as a result of stress-related illnesses such as constant headaches, stomach problems, or difficulty sleeping at night.

Whether or not a child is witnessing abuse in their home or is a victim of the abuse themselves, the psychological effects are often the same, these are children that are traumatized for years to come. Anger and violence play a very negative role in the overall development of a child. Mental health treatment with abused children tends to be long and arduous as a result of the damaging effects. As always, if you suspect that a child is living in this kind of environment or is being abused themselves, please contact your local abuse hotline.

Positive parenting and positive interactions are the key to not get caught in the trap of negativity and yelling that seem to permeate many of today’s homes. A wonderful exercise that promotes praise and increases parents and children’s skills on using “verbal” rewards is Ways to Praise our Children.

The way to start this exercise with your family is to ask each family member to come up with as many ways as they can think of to say, “great job” or “well done.” Verbal acceptance or praise is such an important component in our daily interactions with our children and promotes and increases their self-esteem. Too often, all of us get into a pattern of scolding or yelling at our kids for what they have done wrong, that we forget to praise them for what they have done right.

Each family member should write down on small sheets of paper the ways to praise and be enthusiastic and model it for your kids. Ask each member of the family to keep a note of how many times they have heard someone praise someone else in the family. The goal of this exercise is to get all family members in the habit of taking responsibility for providing positive feedback to their parents and to each other.

Some suggestions for ways to praise are:
Well done
Great
What a great helper!
I love it when you …
You have done really well
I am so proud of you
You have made my day
That is fantastic

and so on and so on. You can make up as many of these as you want and make it fun for your family by being silly and exaggerate your tone or make funny faces, whatever you have to do to make it work for your family. For families that have gotten into a negative way to dealing and talking to others, this exercise will be much more difficult and awkward to complete. When your list is done, post it in a prominent place in your house such as on the refrigerator so there is a constant reminder to everyone that verbal praise should be given regularly.

You might be saying, what in the world is an IEP. Parents with kids that have special needs need to know about an IEP or an Individual Education Plan. An initial IEP meeting is a time and place to develop a document with your child’s educators at school in order to develop a learning plan for your child. Children with special needs usually require having a modified curriculum (ie… allow additional time to complete assignments, reducing distractions in the classroom to learning, visual vs. auditory learning assignments depending on the child’s learning style) that is tailored to how they learn and the necessary changes made in order to accomodate their special needs.

An IEP meeting includes your child’s educators as well as the parents and parents or guardians should participate in developing any special needs or considerations that need to be made for your child. A list of your child’s strengths and weaknesses should be addressed as well as a list of your child’s needs and how to address them. The IEP meeting should not be a time where everyone in the meeting discussing a child’s behavioral or emotional problems, rather this meeting is a time to focus on the issues that your child is having whether they are academic, behavioral, etc.. and how they need to be addressed in school.

The next step to having an IEP is to develop goals that are specific to your child’s strengths an needs in order to be able to track your child’s academic progress in the school environment. Goals should always be realistic and be able to be achieved by your child. If the goals are not realistic, then your child will be discouraged and this will not encourage them to learn and they will become more frustrated. IEP goals should be specific to your child and should be identified in a sequence. For example, if a child with Asperger’s has a specific goal at school of mastering the computer than a sequence may look like this:
1.) the child will learn how to turn on the computer, sign into the internet, learn all the functions of a computer, how to use the keyboard, etc…
2.) the student will learn higher functions of a computer such as how to create documents and save information in the computer
3.) the student will learn how to use their e-mail or different programs such as Excel, Word, etc… on the computer.

The goal here is to have specific steps for your child to reach the goal which are achieveable and a date of completion should be included on the IEP document. The IEP includes the projected date for implementing the services, the duration of the services, and any revision dates. The document should also include how the school plans to report IEP goal progress. Lastly, an IEP should address how the current IEP represents that least restrictive environment as opposed to having your child have an alternative placement elsewhere.

Of course you are thinking that the holidays are supposed to be all fun and games for the kids. For parents, we know that the holidays truly are the most stressful time of the year. However, the truth is that the holidays are often just as stressful for your kids as they are for you. During the holidays, we are running around trying to get everything done and we are stressed and of course our kids/teens can feel this stress in the house. As we change our regular routine, go see our relatives that we may or may not get along with, and often spend hours in the car, all of these contribute to our kids feeling stressed out. Not to mention their eating sugar and things that they normally would not eat and getting less sleep than usual. What can we do to reduce our kids stress over the holidays?
Here are a few tips to help:
1.) Try to not and change their routine too much. Most of us do not do well with change! Prepare for Christmas early and give them time to “chill out”. When you see that your kids may also be stressed, let them go to their rooms and listen to music, play video games, etc… In other words, let them do what they enjoy that relaxes them.
2.) Talk to your children about what the meaning of Christmas is. Don’t get caught in the hustle and bustle of cooking and gift buying. Have a discussion with them what the season actually means and this will probably calm the parents down as well.
3.) Eat at home as much as you can, most foods that we eat out are really not that nutritious. Remember that we still should exercise and keep some of our normal routine. Have them walk or ride their bike.
4.) If your family has conflict around the holidays with other family members, then make sure to prepare your kids for this and discuss it. For example, if you have a crazy uncle that is loud and obnoxious, then talk to your kids about this and let them express their thoughts/feelings. There is nothing worse than not being prepared for family conflicts and being blind-sided.
5.) If you see that you and your kids have too much on your schedule, then just say “No”. Doing too many things just stresses everyone out and nerves are stretched thin and everybody is exhausted. Exhaustion is not fun!!
6.) If you are planning a trip to family or friends house in the car or on a plane, make sure to have things for your kids/teens to do. Kids complaining that they are bored only stresses them out and you as well.
7.) Most importantly remember to relax and stay calm. If your child/teen is already stressed then have them read or practice guided imagery or play some Christmas music. Guided imagery is imagining a calming, relaxing environment. Sit with your child or teen for a few minutes and you both imagine a calm place where you are both relaxed.

Above all, keep a positive outlook on the holidays. If parents are complaining about all that they have to do and are negative, it will be really difficult for children to reduce their stress level. Don’t forget your sense of humor, if you have one then your kids will likely as well. Of course, their will probably be some whining and complaining, but let’s try to keep it at a minimum by implementing some of the strategies mentioned.

Parents often do not understand what to look for in determining whether or not their child may fall on the Autism Spectrum. All children with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) demonstrate deficits in the following areas. 1.) delays in social interactions 2.) delays in their verbal and nonverbal communications and 3.) repetitive patterns of behaviors. In addition to those deficits, children with ASD usually have difficulty responding appropriately to different sensory experiences such as noises or interpreting how things look. These symptoms will be absolutely different in each child and some child will have mild symptoms and some children will have more severe symptoms. This is the reason that they are called Autism Spectrum Disorders. Each child falls some where on this spectrum.

Between the ages of 12 months to 36 months the symptoms of Autism will be displayed and the earlier it is caught the better.

What should parents look for exactly:

When their child does not babble, point, or make meaningful gestures by the age of 1 year of age
Does not speak on word by 16 months of age
Does not respond to their name being called
Loses language or social skills after they have learned it
Does not combine two words by the age of 2 years

Other indicators are:
Poor eye contact
Doesn’t know how to play with toys
Does not smile
Is attached to one particular toy or object and they play with it constantly
Excessively lines up toys or other objects that they have
At times they seem to be unable to hear what you are saying

(Adapted from The Public Health Training Network)

Socially, kids with ASD have tremendous difficulty learning to engage in the give and take in everyday relationships. They do not interact well with other children and typically avoid eye contact. They seem to be indifferent to other people and actually prefer to be alone. In addition, chidren with ASD have difficulty interpreting what others are thinking or feeling and seem to miss these simple social cues.

If your child displays many of these symptoms, then your child should be evaluated by their pediatrician, family physician, or a child psychologist. The earlier that a child is diagnosed with ASD the sooner they can begin receiving necessary treatment for ASD.